You know that strange feeling

when you have laid down to sleep that you think you will never wake up again? Even worse when you enjoy it, when it comes as a relief to sink into your pillow and think of never rising out again? Well, I had that last night. It's funny when something like that happens and then you wake up feeling firstly dissapointed that you did wake and secondly guilty for feeling it. Well, I do. Not sure why anymore, guilt is a shit emotion. I've always tried to push it away from me as soon as I feel it, as I honestly don't have anything to feel guilty about. It's funny how often your feelings can make you feel guilty, because they just happen, you don't make yourself have them....so talking about them should not be something you feel ought to be punished.

Right, before you send the white coats in for me, I know I'm being a grump. I know from my website stats each week that alot of people read this blog, and I wonder what the fuck you think when you do. How can the chick who smooches about in sequinned dresses and pink lipstick singing childish songs about Jelly Babies be so fucking morose. Why am I reading this morbid shit. Why, when my day could be filled with making money. Why, when I could be getting drunk and out looking for cheap kicks? That stuff's important right? That's what we do. We don't think about much else if we can help it. Well, I can't fucking help it. I don't even want to help it. I'm hurt.

I do feel sad. I don't feel angry, I feel dissapointed and I feel alone, and quite sad. I bet I'm not the only one in the world, but I don't know them so it dosen't really help me to imagine.

On a slightly less depressing note (!), Music eases my pain and it never turns it's back on me. I've got my Music and I'm very lucky because it's what I do with my days at this point in my life and I know and pray that I'll always have it. I'll bet a few hours doing Music will lift me and I'll be able to put a positive diary entry in by tonight. May the battle commence! Much Love.