Wednesday morning.
Hi. Yesterday. Yesterday was a very traumatic day all in all. But it did bring a surprise that has left me feeling far less disturbed than I would have imagined after such an emotional episode. I can't remember if I said, but I had a visit from the vet yesterday to give my Bengali Tiger Princess an injection that would put her to rest. The bizarre thing is, after spending a morning in a state of dread which sparked off a strange mood, probably not far off madness, after the actual event I experienced something amazing that has passed on to today and is not looking likely to leave.
I'm not quite sure I've ever told this diary too much about pretty little Lulu. Nor about the bond I have with her. I quickly grew closer to that cat than I had ever been to a human, without a doubt, and although I've been pretty inseperable with my guitar since I got the first one, these days I use them to do the job, as it were. I mean, special and beautiful as guitars are, they are pieces of wood and metal, and I would certainly fling 'em on the fire and get new ones in the name of my blessed lickle Lulu. (Although I best mention I would still need at least an AK47 held to the small of my back)
She has a perfect face does Lulu. Her perfect tiger stripes frame her big green moon like eyes, little wet button nose and delicate smiling mouth. Her sleek body carries her with a regal air of supremacy, perfectly formed slender curves held gracefully by long slim legs tipped with dainty little paws. We have spent most of our mornings together playing tents in my huge silky bed. She pops in, rubs my nose with hers to wake me gently, I put my legs up in the bed to hold the cover high and she slips underneath and proceeds to purr like a helicopter while I tell her stories, stroke her face, sing and impersinate Marilyn Monroe (her favourite tone) until she finally tires and slips her little head out the top of the duvet like mine for a morning snooze. Then it's time for something to eat, then she has a brush, I shower whilst she waits on the stairs, watching my return with her little head wedged between the bannisters. She keeps me company while I eat, jealously taps on my computer keys for attention whilst I'm trying to work, does baby please don't leave me faces when I have to go out, tugs at my ankles when I sing - you get the picture....
Anyway, yesterday I changed my mind about what I was about to do several times. it's been on the cards for the last two weeks, what with her not being able to eat nor breathe properly and growing progressively weaker as a result. It was like a rollercoaster ride leading up to the event, but as horrid as the few seconds were when they gave her the sleep medicine, and the time in which I held her limp body close to mine, something quite bizarre happened. I'm happy to say nobody has ever passed on in my arms before, and I've never known much about death really. I only know I've never felt afraid of it until my best friend died with no warning and what feelings I went through after that, but I wasn't with him and I didn't feel him at his grave side. I suppose I didn't stop to think about it. I just selfishly threw myself by it in shock and screamed and kicked and cried as I couldn't bear for him to be gone away from me. I guess even that experience didn't really make me "frightened" of death, just maybe the feelings and emotions running wild in those around it. No, up until these last few weeks with my girl, I've been really frightened of her not being here any more. Waking up without her and not having anybody to feed and Love. I've never known or really thought about what actually happens when people's bodies die. I mean to their spirit. Does it just dissappear?
Well, the amazing thing now, which is truly special and such a relief, is that Lulu's spirit has'nt gone! I don't know if hers leaped into mine or wether it is still just in the air here - I have'nt been outside yet to tell but she is definitelty still with me, and although her furry little body isn't here, I don't feel like she has left me at all. In fact I feel really strong and really happy. Same as I did each morning when we played tents. Thinking about it, it seems impossible that a spirit and a character as strong and apparrent as Lulu's could actually just "dissappear" just like that, could it? I don't believe it could, so this feeling must be right. I have'nt lost the plot in shock, I can't have. I really think her soul has leaped inside my soul. I'm going to try going out today to check. Inabit diary, inabit.... X
