Ranting, panting, brain decanting....it's summin or nuffin but look how we grow!

 

I
think all the time. I have so much on my mind all the time. So much I want to
say. I just cannot either shut my gob or stop my brain from ticking over things.
I get really busy doing one thing or another, usually with something or other
that takes me away from the p.c. and I think. I think all the time. Far too much
time I'm sure to be healthy. My feelings about people, my feelings about the
world around me, the environment, the relationships, associates and
acquaintances I make, my past, present, and by far most enjoyably now, my
future!

My future, your future,
the world and every living thing in it and it's future. The list is absolutely
endless. If I were to list all the things in the world - well, all the things in
the teeny little bit of the world that I know about and consider to be worth
wondering and dreaming about, then I would make a wild guess at thousands. Maybe
even millions but I'm not tooooooooo sure how many of 'dem 'dere round ones go
on that number....looks about right I think. How can I possibly relax?

I try to write it all
these feelings and thoughts down. Hence starting this diary idea, hoping it
might help me to somehow arrange, sort, and file it all away somewhere neatly.
Hell, I don't know. Frustratingly for ME they quite often just build or stew up
and swirl around inside and grate and tire and agitate and confuse and pain me
to the point I think I might explode.

 All these thoughts
and ideas and feelings do build and eventually grow into a sort of head. Luckily
for YOU, they tend to eventually ooze out into the form of something edible.
Well, audible. Something that your ears and sometimes eyes are kind of fond of
in some way.

Climbing finally out of
what felt like a very large, man made pit of despair I fell into recently, I
feel different. Some things about my life have become more clear and acceptable
than ever before.

My music makes sense. My
passionate thoughts and feelings about people and the world around me have
massive meaning and effect. When I play somebody a new track I have written and
their eyes light up and turn wide or they dance or they sing or they are
inspired in some other way I feel this great rush of pleasure. It's a difficult
rush to describe, but it is amazing. I come out of the pit with a huge sense of
relief, self worth and pride. It makes somehow all the torturous moments I live
through disappear. Ok, maybe not forever, but they are put into some kind of
context or, perhaps just filed somewhere not so important. The more it happens,
the more I am understanding that I can and should hold on to that feeling as
much as possible. It becomes like a kind of anchor, holds me safe from the
overpowering current of torment I feel so often vulnerable to.

 

 I
look back at my previous diary page or entry. I think shit, girl, you don't half
waffle! You don't half whinge on about some ridiculously dull things. It is all
surely irrelevant? Why on earth would anyone want to read this stuff? It's all
meant to be about music right? Maybe you ought to dress down....please a few
people that don't understand you.. Sit safely in with current ideals or
fantasies, go on, be an "entertainer." Keep it much more sweet, don't be so
honest, only tell 'em the good stuff, blah blah blah blah blah

 

Well I don't really want
to. Well, I mean I'd LOVE to but its never so straight forward as you know. Good
bits always come with bad bits and never in any particular order.

 it's not always
sunshine in my life. Moody as I might be from time to time, It's not always grey
either. I get huge great peaks of amazement that are truly wonderful and sour,
painful grey days. There it is. And I am not the only one, not by a long shot. I
am alive and human and not ashamed to be sensitive. I like to express myself. I
need to even. I don't bash on people's doors and thrust it at people, I
mean you are reading this of your own accord I hope?! I don't go around praying
on the weak or the vulnerable. I don't lie on the floor wailing oh woe is me all
day (although it has been known - ;-)) You write to me because what I write
about or sing about is of interest to you in some way. I started playing the
guitar and writing music and painting and designing outfits to express myself in
as many ways as possible. I Love it. I thrive on what I do. I get a really
amazing reaction from people who really matter when I do it, which is special
amazing to me. Humans can actually connect like that in this funny old world.
Strangers, from totally different ages, countries and backgrounds.

To be able to reflect on
your life and learn from it and grow and amuse or in some way "entertain" other
people is quite a terrific idea. To inspire them, even more fantastic! I am so
proud that I have become able to in some way, even be it a little bit. It's a
wonderful achievement. Lets face it, I could be doing a fuck of a lot of worse
things!

 

Anyway. Back to the
future. Its bright. It certainly isn't orange but it appears very bright.

So my recent learning
has been hairy for the best part but is starting to feel kinda smooth....I'm
determined to keep it this way.

All the times I trust my
own judgement, I do right by myself. And in the long run, by others too....

Do as you like. Wear
what you like. Say what you like. Do it with conviction and you'll be fabulous!
:-D

 

XXXX