Loneliness

is bloody ugly. You sit there, you try to concentrate and think straight like normal and then suddenly find you are trying mighty damn hard to and you just can't it isn't working anymore so you decide to do something different and then you try that and it doesn't work anymore either and oh, well earlier this stupid fit happened on me and I got in this funny "lonely" state where my pen stopped filling the void and I decided perhaps I best seek human company of some sort. You know - "take me out tonight, because I want to see people and I want to see life?" That kinda self indulgent, extravagant, adventurous mood took hold of me and I just followed it and got my shoes and jacket on and started walking and went round and round the block hoping I wouldn't get mugged and then I ended up in my tiny local boozer which looked all warm and bright and happy. I sat there and I bought a pint and the new barmaid was a bitch and I found a seat and I watched everyone doing what they do. Chatting and laughing and flirting and kissing and stuff like that and well, I have to say, being surrounded by all these other humans enjoying themselves just ended up making me feel worse and worse by the minute. Worse than I think I felt before I arrived. Even as they played a Television track which should have cheered me up I just felt very lonely and pathetic and strange. Normally I go for this wee break when I'm writing and I get some fresh air and I end up thinking of a tune or a line or I see something or somebody I find funny or I just find being out brings something crashing on home and it makes things seem clearer and I go back to my house and every thing's fine again but NO!, not tonight - no. Nothing. It made me feel worse. I felt empty and full and shallow and deep and just downright weird and wacky and silent and lary all at the same time and I guess I could have tried to communicate with some of these happy strangers but I didn't want or know how to I just wanted to be at home at the same time as wanting to be there and oh, what a muddle it all was. Anybody else get these moments? I'm not saying I'd LIKE anyone to feel these shitty funny feelings but if some of you do then its not just me and it might just be something that comes and goes and oh bollocks I'm off to bed now. Bed could help this mood. Bed helps lots of things. I'll try and come back here cheery in the morning. Night night my poor little bloody diary. You don't 'alf get blasted sometimes. Bleugh.